A Confession

I have a confession to make. Not long ago, I had a come-to-Jesus moment.

I was having an especially physically painful day. Making all kinds of noise in the kitchen, I pulled the overstuffed trash can from under the sink, and exclaimed in a loud voice, “REALLY!”

My husband standing nearby replied, “You are always griping about something!” (He used another word for griping, but this is the PG version.) Although I didn’t acknowledge it, I knew he was right. Pain has a way of wearing me out not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. And, in dealing with me, it wears him out too.

The next morning, I was uncharacteristically wide awake at 4 a.m. I decided not to fight it and headed to the kitchen for coffee and to serve the cat his first breakfast. Sitting down to read a devotion I had found on my Bible app, God’s words pierced my heart.

2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “When someone becomes a Christian, he becomes a brand new person inside. He is not the same anymore. A new life has begun!”

I wondered, how different was I? Was I holding a piece of myself back from God? Am I still holding on to my childhood-infused belief that I had to protect myself? Was I refusing to trust Him to protect and provide for me emotionally?

Then I felt bad and condemned myself. I have loved God for a long time now. Shouldn’t I be better, stronger, have more control over myself and more faith? Then I remembered a quote by Billy Graham, “Becoming a Christian is the work of a moment; being a Christian is the work of a lifetime.”

Next, I recalled a promise God made in Romans 8:1-3 “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. The law of Moses was unable to save us because of the weakness of our sinful nature. So God did what the law could not do. He sent his own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin’s control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins.”

So, I asked God to forgive me for my holding back. I asked my husband to forgive me for griping. I gave grace to myself and permission to let go of defending myself, to trust God to be there for me. Each day I will try my best to…

be less critical and more creative,

be less grumpy and more giving,

feel less judgmental and more joyful,

express less condemning and more complimenting,

feel less worrisome and more worshipful,

speak less platitudes and more prayer.

As I write each week, I realize I don’t have all the answers. But I know One who does. It is my deepest prayer that my words will encourage us to reach out to the One who created us, the Lover of our souls, and Author of our futures. God leads us with tender mercy, ever beckoning us to fully trust Him, and He understands that this is the work of a lifetime.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18